The impenetrable, 40-foot-thick steel dome will house a state-of-the-art campus that serves as Amazon’s new headquarters and provides customers with the lowest possible prices and the utmost convenience.
This article appeared in The Onion on October 19, 2018.
SEATTLE—After a search for a new location lasting more than a year, a massive dome was seen descending from the sky and enclosing the whole nation Friday as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced to a horrified American populace that it was now living inside his company’s second headquarters.
The impenetrable steel dome, which reportedly stretches from coast to coast and from the Mexican to the Canadian border, will house a state-of-the-art campus that serves as the online retailer’s long-awaited new base of operations. Amazon executives said that while they were impressed with the many proposals they received from cities across the country, they ultimately decided the location best suited to their ever-growing needs was the entirety of the continental United States.
“We’re proud to welcome all 325 million new employees to the Amazon team,” said Bezos, his deafening voice causing Americans to clutch their ears in agony as the sun was suddenly blocked out and the image of his smiling face was projected onto the dome’s surface by the millions of Alexa-enabled devices in homes nationwide. “We believe we have finally found the best way to provide our customers with the lowest possible prices and the utmost convenience.”
“Now, please, begin working—all of you,” Bezos added as a dark cloud of buzzing drones appeared on the horizon, depositing uniforms, orientation packets, and a pile of boxes to sort on the doorstep of every American home. MORE...